Ever notice how some things are just plain hard? Like, how it’s almost a guarantee that the night you have the most restless sleep leads you into the day where your kids wake up at 5 (seriously kids…is it too much to ask for a little daylight before we hit the ground running?!)? Or how something ends that you don’t feel prepared to say goodbye to?
We have the tendency to crave so much control in our lives that when something happens that takes our choices away from us, we’re blindsided and left wondering “what just happened here??” It’s like a sharp slap in the face when that happens and after the shock wears off, all you’re left with is a choice: keep moving forward and trust or stay where you are and fight for that control. Obviously the former is the way to go but the latter is often where we find ourselves isn’t it? Or maybe it’s just me. I know that when I want a door open, I will do whatever it takes to keep it that way. It’s taken a lot of learning over the years to understand that doors will always open and doors will always close and I have a choice to make every time something new presents itself: walk in faith or walk in flesh.
I’m not going to lie. It’s TOUGH. Closing doors you so desperately want to keep open in hopes that something good will eventually walk through it isn’t easy. Closing doors that are already propped open and have good things associated with them is even harder because you feel as though something good, something worthwhile is being ripped out of your hands and you’re left feeling empty and insignificant.
When I closed my photography business down, a piece of my heart tore off. Selling my camera and equipment was equally as hard. And yet in that, there was a peace that came with it. We were able to replace it with a more modest camera and I’ve been enjoying toying with that and rediscovering photography as a hobby. There’s been immense joy through that even though it took a good amount of sadness to get to that place.
Saying goodbye to an old blog that I worked hard to build up and specifically choosing to start at ground zero with this one is excruciating at times. But again…peace comes with it because this is something I can shape into exactly what I want it to be and if it doesn’t resonate with people, I don’t really care because this is first and foremost for me to put my thoughts down and where I can be authentically myself and not have to put on any false fronts or pretenses. I’ve walked away from some ambassadorships, I’ve been turned away from others but I know there’s something on the other side of it. Perhaps something that’s not at all related to this present moment. The thought of that is pretty darn cool!
But I still struggle with it. That feeling that the summit will always be just out of my reach. But I’ve also been blessed (or possibly cursed) with a hearty dose of determination, drive and perseverance that has seen me through a lot of stuff in the course of my life. If I know it’s where I’m meant to be, I will fight for it and as I get older and possibly a but more mature, I’m starting to “know” that feeling of when something is right or wrong even if my circumstances suggest the opposite should be true. Nothing I’ve ever fought to achieve has come easily to me. Not a single thing. Good grades in school, running, parenting (especially parenting, on my goodness, there are days, people…there are so many days!!), you name it. Life is a battle but those battles do more for me than having everything just handed to me with no questions or expectations. I expect nothing in life to come without a good dose of sweat and hard work and am seeing that even when things don’t go my way, I’m still learning from it and growing and bettering myself. I expect nothing to come without time spent on my knees praying for wisdom and courage to continue my pursuits and follow my dreams. And let me tell you, dreams are great when they come true but they are incredible when they happen after you come through those hard moments and know that you fought hard, pushed through and saw your way to the other side of it.
There are days that I fight to get myself out of bed because I know I need to suit up and get ready for battle and not every day is going to yield a victory. I may give up on myself that day. Someone might give up on me that day. A door may close that I didn’t want to close or one may open that I wanted to keep closed. But I tell you, if I’m obedient and if I’m putting everything I can into it and relying on God for the rest of it, I will always lay down at night with no regrets. That is the nature of fighting the good fight. That is the nature of perseverance and that is the only way I can think of in this present moment to carry on when circumstances threaten to overwhelm.
Persevere my friends! The light at the end of the tunnel may not be what you want or expect in the moment, but it will always be exactly what you need.