2015 has been eventful for me. Quite possibly one of the most eventful years of my life. The irony of it is that heading into this year, I had no intentions of striving toward anything other than simplicity and quiet. I have 3 young children, was off work on maternity leave and mostly just trying to keep up with the mundane tasks of my day (you know the ones I mean: laundry, clean-up, meals, sanity and coffee…among other things).
If you had asked me in January where I’d be come September my answer would have been something along the lines of: “back at the office working after mat leave, day care drop-offs, school for A., maybe a race or two”. I was very intentional about not putting too much on my plate, especially where my running and general fitness were concerned because the only thing I dreaded more than burnout was expectation and pressure to live up to them.
Well September has come and gone and anything I was thinking in January is so far removed from where I actually am, it’s almost embarrassing. Thankfully, awesomeness trumps embarrassment pretty much all the time!
It’s definitely been my biggest year of growth and in that has come a butt-load (to use a technical term) of surrender, obedience and risk. I’ve never been as scared as I’ve been this past year but have never experienced the level of grace I’ve received either.
That’s not to say that it’s been a steady road. There have been tears, fears and frustrations a-plenty. I’ve had more nights than I care to admit where I’ve been up all hours dealing with the anxiety that came with some of the decisions I was making: leaving my job of 11 years and the steady income and benefits that came with it, doing things I never felt worthy of doing with my life and the struggle to allow myself to succeed at them. The fear of success and knowing that with that success would come expectation and a need to continue forward. Failure would have been tough, but it would have also allowed me to sink back into that black hole of comfort that I’d grown ever so accustomed to being in.
Walking in faith is beyond tough. It’s about as easy as running full speed into a dark room and hoping you don’t hit a wall. It takes trust, perseverance, belief and a need for something bigger than yourself to carry you through. It takes a small step forward, followed by another and another. It takes reaching out your hand to the One who knows you best and allowing Him to guide you. And it takes knowing that the road will not be easy and it will not always bring joy or fulfillment in the moment. The harvest doesn’t happen overnight. It requires growth, patience and most of all, time to prepare.
Sometimes it takes years.
And we never fully arrive until our time here is complete.